ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
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Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.