*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
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me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.