Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
You Might Also Like
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA