Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
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even bears disappoint their mothers
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways