Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
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If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
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THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
My sex drive has a dui
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
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