“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
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Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.