People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
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baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
it must be school picture day
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself