An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
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Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
No way!
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead