Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.