I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
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[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages