*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
You Might Also Like
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
yeah 😭
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.