Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.