[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
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Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
step 6: release the wall snake
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it