Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
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The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
My first son he is wonderful
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?