Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
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year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.