You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
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Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
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Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.