Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
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Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
decorating my apartment
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.