Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
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On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct