If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
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My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Grandmother clock.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Gemma Correll
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before