Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
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The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.