[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
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[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Meanwhile in Portland…
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath