GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
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[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
War & Peace
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”