*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
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The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head