Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
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My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
and now we wait
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!