Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
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If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.