When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
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So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
notice
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Me driving through Toronto
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.