Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
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I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I’ve had worse
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*