Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
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I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
yall want some gasoline milk
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.