I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
That’s classic.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
There is wisdom there.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one