On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
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I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.