Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
You Might Also Like
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst