Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
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They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”