my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
If I ignore life will it go away?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.