Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
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Zack Greinke stories are the best
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
The struggle is real
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
That’s what I call a flat tire
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.