frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
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doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485