“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
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You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Tastes like chicken.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.