Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
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I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Wait a second…
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
just having fun
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35