First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
You Might Also Like
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like