I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
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I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.