{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
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I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.