No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
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“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Don’t snitch tag.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.