Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
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There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
There is wisdom there.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.