Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
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Ovenable?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name