Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
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I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
then why did i get this email
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.