I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
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I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”