Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.