Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
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Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I need this for my side hustle.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Big Sex has us all fooled
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run