Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
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He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Seems legit
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it