[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
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I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
my retirement plan is braless
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.