Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
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[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
british sex workers really pound for pound
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about